I’ve started dreaming again. Or rather, I’ve started remembering my dreams again.
the past week or so I’ve awakened every morning aware that I’d had a
dream, and she was in it; but I remembered nothing more.
wasn’t that in these dreams I thought she was alive. I always know in my
dreams that I’m dreaming. It’s when I’m awake that I sometimes forget
she’s dead and find myself expecting the door to open and her to enter.
But this morning I remembered something more of last night’s dream.
was a combination of the Tower of Babel, the Vanity Fair and the
I usually have the back-in-school dream
when I’m learning something. What I learned in this dream is that I'm
lost, and no one can or will help me find my way.
I’m wearing a leather jacket and boots, as I did when I was in college. I stood out from the crowd, as I intended to.
The words ‘but Japanese aren’t supposed to stand out from the crowd’ enter my head.
was Memorial Day. There was one television program after another
celebrating WWII. I didn’t watch any of them, but I do remember an ad
for one that piqued my curiosity. It was advertised as celebrating the
contribution of Asian-Americans to the war effort. I wondered how it
dealt with the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans.
watched a Japanese film online yesterday. It was lovely as a haiku; and
filmed, I noticed, the same year as the Nanking Massacre.
In the dream I am
back in school, where I stand out from the crowd like a nonconformist
in Japan, or an Asian-American in conformist America.
European languages are fairly easy for me to learn. I used to speak
French, German and Spanish like a native (or so my business contacts
told me), but not nonEuropean languages. So I’ve chosen Japanese as my
I go from classroom to classroom, trying to
find the Japanese language class, but no one will tell me where it’s
being held. I have the feeling they don’t want me to know, that good
Americans shouldn’t want to know such things.