Sunday, December 31, 2017

One Hundred and Fifty Eight

Lately I’ve been waking up during the night, often two or three times

I look at the clock, wondering why the alarm didn’t go off, because I feel as though I’ve slept all night.  But I always find I've slept only a couple of hours.

I feel as though I’ve slept all night because my dreams leave me exhausted.

I used to remember my dreams in detail.  And they were detailed.  They were elaborate spectacles and I watched them as a spectator, aware they were dreams.  I learned about myself from watching them.  Now I remember nothing of my dreams after I wake.  I wouldn’t know I’d been dreaming if I didn’t have the feeling that something momentous had been happening, and suddenly it stopped.  A great cacophony suddenly stopped, leaving nothing but the silence of my bedroom.

It was as though I'd been dreaming I was in a forest, and heard the sound of a distant battle.  It grew louder and louder as I walked towards it until, finally, I climbed a hill and saw the soldiers below me, fighting; and they, seeing me, stopped fighting and looked at me.  Did they think I was their general?

It was as though I'd been dreaming I was in an insane asylum, and heard its inmates wailingThe sound grew louder and louder as I walked towards it until, finally, I opened a door and saw them; and they, seeing me, stopped wailing and looked at me.  Did they think I was their doctor?

It was as though I’d dreamed I was in hell.

I am in hell.  We all are.  I used to think I could help them.  But now I know I can help no one.  So I no longer remember my dreams.

No comments:

Post a Comment