Two Hundred and Ninety Three

All I know, I knew in the beginning.

I knew my life would be bad, but not as bad as it could be.  Most people’s lives are bad, and pretending they aren't only makes them worse.  I was determined never to make mine worse by lying to myself. 

I knew there would be times when my life was good, but not as good as it could be, because I wasn’t willing to do what I’d have to do in order to make it better.  I was determined never to do anything for which I’d have to be ashamed.

I knew I’d always be alone.  We’re all alone, but not all of us admit it.  I was determined to live without illusions.

   So I've lived an ordinary life.  Bad, but not bad enough to kill myself.