Four

They say consciousness is an island in the sea of the unconscious. If we are to know ourselves, we must learn to swim in that sea.

They say we dream every night, but don’t always remember our dreams. Or rather, we choose not to remember them. I used to remember my dreams in vivid detail, especially when I dreamed of her. 

I used to think I knew myself better than most people do, because I didn’t deceive myself that my conscious mind was all of me. My dreams helped me to know myself, and kept me honest. Now that I no longer remember my dreams, I no longer know myself. 

She was so much a part of who I was that I couldn’t imagine myself without her. So I tried to kill myself. My body didn’t die, as hers did, but my mind began dying. I could feel my prefrontal cortex going numb.

I’m now dead in every way that matters. 

I’m willing myself to die because I don’t want to live without her. But Is there still a part of me that wants to live, even without her? And if there is, am I now so close to death that it no longer matters what I want?